


Time to Mourn

by Burdenedwithgloriousporpoise



Series: Erwin Fics [6]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Character Study, Dialogue Heavy, Existential Angst, Existential Crisis, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Philosophy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-20
Updated: 2016-11-20
Packaged: 2018-08-31 23:48:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8598700
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Burdenedwithgloriousporpoise/pseuds/Burdenedwithgloriousporpoise
Summary: The loss of a close friend and the loss of a limb force years of buried pain and unanswered questions to the surface. In the quiet hours, in the time alone, the mask of command is pried off and Erwin Smith must confront demons he cannot even name. Levi senses the depth of disturbance and meets to discuss.





	

_“All superior men who were irresistibly drawn to throw off the yoke of any kind of morality and to frame new laws had, if they were not actually mad, no alternative but to make themselves or pretend to be mad...” ~Friedrich Nietzsche_

  
A knock on the door.  
“Come in.”  
It creaked open and Levi entered, pushed it shut with his heel and advanced to sit in the chair before the desk.  
Erwin sat behind it, pen in hand. At first glance nothing seemed out of the ordinary; second glance showed the space on the desk before him was empty.  
There were times to approach the matter delicately, and there were times when he was talking with Erwin who would sense the subtext anyway. “Mike.”  
Erwin didn't move. After a moment he took a breath. “He was a good soldier and a good friend.”  
Although accustomed to blunt words, Levi's manner suddenly felt ridiculously clumsy. More ticking seconds. “They're worried about you.”  
“You, Moblit and Hanji?”  
Levi grunted in affirmative. More silence. “It's a heavy loss to bear.”  
Erwin's gaze rested off to the side. “No heavier than the losses borne by my soldiers and their families.”  
“You're not invalidating your cause if you take time to grieve. Success doesn't come without sacrifice. Just because it hurts doesn't mean it wasn't a worthy cause.” _Isabel and Farlan would know._  
Another pause.  
“Erwin. Their pain doesn't negate yours. Aren't you still a human? Then grieve like one. I don't care how you do it. But get rid of this stupid idea that other people's griefs nullify your own.”  
“Don't they?” Erwin looked at him, and his eyes seemed glassy. A chill struck through Levi's core.  
“I gave up my humanity for this. Therefore I shouldn't pretend I can go back.” He took a sheaf of work papers from its neat stack and set it before him. His voice was even. “Only a monster can do what I have done, and a monster has no right mourning his handiwork if he fully intends to continue in the same way.” His gaze was somehow both unhinged and completely cold. “There always need to be monsters in this world; those who can sacrifice for a greater cause, who can decide which lives are expendable. Humanity advances along the trail of corpses we hew down and is watered by the blood we have the strength to shed.”  
Sweat broke out on Levi's palms.  
Conflict flashed through Erwin's eyes and died away to a hollow look. “I have been preceded by many such men, and many will follow after. Tell me, have I done wrong?”  
Levi's voice was hoarse. “I never said so.”  
“Good. Dismissed.” He looked back to his work.  
His voice came out as a growl. “You're not alright, Erwin.”  
The tip of the pen rested on the paper, but hadn't moved. “And by 'alright' you mean grieving like a normal person? I told you I threw away my humanity to do what I need to do. If I grieve I risk losing the determination to inflict that grief upon others. Humanity—love, fear, pain—I have abandoned for its own sake. Some would say 'transcended'."  
His eyes were flat, but dissonance roared deep behind the blue.  
“Transcended humanity? What kind of crap is that?”  
“I'm less than human in that I've exchanged irrationality for the emptiness left in its wake. In that respect I am nothing. But I am more in that I acknowledge the madness of life for what it is, that nothing is everything, and therefore move forward.”  
“To what? If that's your philosophy, then the hell are you doing?” Levi shook his head. “You're not making any sense.”  
“Then enlighten me. What are we here for?”  
A long pause ticked by.  
Erwin took a breath. “In that case, you're the one not making any sense. But that's alright. That's why monsters exist—to protect the irrationality humanity holds dear. The perceived danger of our existence gives them an illusion of purpose as they band together in defense. They don't see the emptiness if it's blocked by a facade of their own creation. In our abandoning ourselves, we're really doing the world the greatest good it can be done. Does that makes us heroic or villainous?” He gave a soft laugh. “If such categories could truly be ascribed.”  
Levi's skin crawled. “It isn't your fault he died, Erwin.”  
Pain crackled through his eyes. “This isn't about Mike.”  
“Isn't it?”  
Erwin sighed. All determinism faded away and he suddenly looked tired. So tired—tired of death, tired of pain, tired of life, tired of everything. His gaze rested somewhere between the edge of his desk and the floor.  
“I'm exhausted,” he said. His voice was soft. “If I break my focus, if I question myself, my world will crumble. I've counted the cost and come up with this solution. I've accepted what I have become.” His voice was nearly a whisper. “But that doesn't mean I don't hate it.” The determination returned and the walls rose again. “Embracing that this world is devoid of reason shields me from my own hate.”  
Another pause. “Do you want things to be like this?”  
Erwin shook his head. “No. But in a world like ours, can they be any other way? Who saves humanity but the super-men, the ones outside, the strong ones? But who can save them?” The pen rolled between his fingertips. "A man once said it isn't the poets who go insane—it's the logicians, those who don't sacrifice their intellectual integrity to see the world as anything more than cold random chance. I deceived myself with fairy tales and find them now ungrounded. Should I return to the tatters of a lie and blind myself to reality?” The pen stopped. “It would've been better to die a fool for those dear beliefs than to live this enlightened hell.” He put his fist to his lips, gaze averted.There was a pause, time measured in slow breaths and the quiet of the room pressing around them like a tangible thing.

Levi broke the silence. “You did what you had to. It's like you said: you have to function differently if you're going to succeed in this. But that doesn't mean you're not human. If you had truly abandoned your humanity, you wouldn't know it. The fact that you have this pain proves you're still alive.”  
Erwin returned his hand almost gingerly to its resting place on the desk, the pen doing a single slow roll between his fingertips. Silence returned.  
Levi's voice took an edge. “I'm not like you. If I don't want to think about something I avoid it. No sleep lost. I'll move off a gut feeling without knowing all the reasons behind it and assume I'm in the right." He half-laughed. "How else would I be able to follow your orders? But you never assume anything. So why assume that you're correct in your current view? For every effect, there must be a cause. Give yourself time to find it before you go mad.”  
“Hm.”  
“If you don't keep an open mind, you'll have lost your sanity in the moment you think yourself sane. What if you're wrong? As long as there's the slightest possibility that there's something more, you must continue. What drove you to become commander?"  
Erwin's eyes narrowed slightly, as if he was trying to read this new line of questioning. "I wanted to find the truth of this world."  
"And that curiosity is channeled towards the origin of the titans. Say you find the entire answer—the titans, their origins, our origins, everything. You've found one half of the truth of our existence. One half in this case is at best, good as nothing. At worst and most likely, it's just enough truth to make an exponentially more deadly illusion. You said you had abandoned humanity, but I think you just don't understand it. You can know all you want about the titans, but until you figure out who and what we are, you're no further along in your search for truth. If you don't apply yourself to finding those answers..." Levi paused. "I fear what you'll become."  
Surprise flashed across Erwin's face.  
“To what depths will you descend for your truth in a world where you've claimed to transcend morality? What will a monster do when he is no longer needed? Return to humanity? Is that possible? You want to find the truth about the titans." He raised his eyebrows. "Are they the only monsters you want to understand?"  
Erwin looked away.  
Silence fell again. His fingers curled the pen into his palm and his thumb slid absentmindedly along the barrel.  
“I accept myself as a monster so that I can function. But--if there was another way, I would take it."  
A pause.  
“I don't know what that way is,” said Levi. “But keep looking. This kind of confliction doesn't happen in a meaningless world. Writing it off as nothing is the greater self-deception.” He rose, nodded, and left.

**Author's Note:**

> I know, I know, another one...XD  
> Continuing with my examination of Erwin's character :3 Dissecting the facets of his psychology from different angles helps me work through the devestation of the past few chapters XD


End file.
